Thursday, November 8, 2018

Awkwardness

This post will probably be aaaaaallllll over the place. Very representative of how my brain is functioning this week.


I want to get all of this out... but I can't. There are big things happening. And they all have to be kept quiet.

Just to avoid any misunderstandings - hubby and kiddo and I are absolutely fine. No problems at home or between any of us. In fact, hubby and I are doing better than we have in a long time. And I know I'm biased, but our kid is phenomenal. I'm so thankful for all of that.

I'm in a weird situation. This weird situation is having a ripple effect and all of a sudden life in general feels very... up in the air. I don't like being up in the air. Literally or figuratively. People with anxiety tend to not do very well with limbo. That definitely includes me. I don't like the unknown very much. I like to have a rough idea what is going to happen. Obviously that's not always possible. Sometimes that's just fine. Other times it's extremely distressing. This is one of those times.

I'm not sleeping enough, and the sleep I am getting is not good sleep. I'm tired and stressed. My anxiety is making itself known in physical ways. It stinks.

I had a session with the magnificent therapist yesterday and she reminded me to be mindful of the things I can and cannot control, and the things I did and did not cause. And the fact that I can't hold myself responsible for the things I did not cause, nor torture myself over the things I cannot control. I'm no longer allowed to.

But... I'm so good at those things!

I just picked up my phone for the fourth time since I started writing this. I'm desperate for distraction. Mindless brain drivel.

I'm home alone for a couple hours which is a rare treat. Normally, I would be catching up on my neglected TV shows or playing video games. Or writing a much more eloquent blog post. I can't make any of it happen.

I honestly feel like I'm wandering aimlessly a lot of the time this week.

Lost.

Like for a long time I've been standing on bedrock, and now someone yanked the bedrock out from under me and I'm suspended in midair.


Writing was helping me a lot, but now I feel blocked again. I hope it gets better.

Well, I know it will get better. This can't last long. One way or another, this will pass. And then I know we will be fine and everything will be fine. We have ideas and tentative plans and backup plans and lots of support. We will put one foot in front of the other, like we always do, and we'll find our way.

Until then, we are decorating early for the holidays, because it makes us happy. This is not at all about the commercialism of it. It's about colorful lights and happy things and getting through the dark part of the year. Our neighbors will just have to understand.

One foot in front of the other.

For as long as it takes.

1 comments:

Paper Flowers & Tornadoes said...

I hear you, I too often feel the same way you have just described. I try to repeat the phrase 'this too shall pass' to myself when i have flat days. Though it doesnt seem like it at the time, it always gets easier eventually. Hope you can get some proper sleep soon :)