Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Newest, Most Obnoxious Question I'm Asked On a Regular Basis

I don't know how it happened, but somehow our little man just turned TWO years old.

He had a wonderful birthday surrounded by those who love him and I was surprised at how amazingly well he did with it all, considering the recent development of, well, being two.  Yes, we are discovering our independence, and it is a wonderful thing!  (If I keep telling myself that, I WILL eventually believe it, right?)  In all seriousness though, he is doing great, just going through the motions of normal development.  I'm so proud of him and I try hard to remember not to wish even the difficult parts away, because I know I'll miss them.

I spent his actual birthday, though I was at work, reliving every moment of the day he was born.  I was a little surprised that I didn't wake up at 3:05am, which is the time two years ago when we got the call that he was coming.  I noticed the time at 6:14 when he was born, and every hour after that, I remembered what we were doing, how we were feeling, how his birthmom was doing... the whole thing.  I fought tears a few times.  I just still can't get over how lucky we are to have this little angel in our family.

And then it started.

Apparently, there's something about the two-year mark that makes people feel entitled to ask you when you'll be adding another child to your family.

"When's the next one coming?"

"He needs a little brother or sister!"

"Time to have another one!"

And believe it or not, I STILL hear the classic, "You know, now that you've adopted him and he's turned two, you know you're going to get pregnant!"

Seriously?  Was there something in his birthday cake that would make my ovaries not be broken anymore?  That would make my body likely to carry a pregnancy to term if one did occur?  That would suddenly make thousands of dollars appear in my bank account for another adoption?  That would fund several years of child care expenses?  Because if there was, I sure couldn't taste it!

Most people around us know that we never intended to 'only' have one child.  We planned to have two or three kids.  We planned to do this the 'natural' way, getting pregnant about every two years.  We planned for one of us to be able to stay home once the second baby came.  But as we were reminded through the processes of infertility and adoption, life doesn't always go according to plan.  And we're okay with that.  But it seems some other people have an issue with it.  Which is pretty funny, considering they're the ones that none of this has any impact on whatsoever.

Trust me, if it was as simple as pressing a button and having another baby, I would do it today and just figure out the details later.  But it's not that simple for us and that's just how it is.  We are slowly realizing that we are probably going to always be a family of three.  We are happy with our lives the way they are and, under the circumstances, I don't believe that 'forcing it' by adopting another child when we can't afford to is the right thing to do, not for us and not for our son.  And quite frankly, I don't know if I can put my heart out there once again and risk another failed adoption.

So please, be mindful of the things you say, even in jest.  I know I've said this for years, but I feel just as strongly about it now as ever: family planning is an intensely personal decision.  It's truly none of your business what our financial situation is relative to the cost of another adoption.  And it's none of your business what's going on in my uterus, or more accurately, what isn't going on in there.

I know you mean well, I do.  I know you just want me to be happy, and I'm grateful for that!  I'm not angry at all.  I just wish that you could be satisfied with knowing that we're happy with OUR decisions about OUR family whether they're the same ones you would make or not.  And that's all you really need to know.