Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Unexplained Guilt... Explained!

When you're going through infertility and/or wading (and waiting!) through the adoption process, you think you know how you will feel about most things once you finally reach your goal.  And a lot of the time, you're right.  But sometimes, you find out that you couldn't have been more wrong.

For example...

I always heard about how new moms - well, maybe moms in general - have such a hard time giving away or putting away baby's too-small clothes in order to make room for new ones that fit.  I heard stories of these strong women who turned into bumbling idiots at the thought of storing away that favorite onesie.  It seemed really strange to me.  Who would get attached to a piece of clothing like that?

...Until I had to do it myself.  Yup.  It stinks.  It's not about the piece of clothing, it's about the memory of your baby wearing it.  There's just something so final-feeling about knowing that your baby will never wear that item again.  The snapshot in your mind is all you have left.  So I guess they were right on that one.

On the other hand, but also sort of related, is the whole concept that it's sort of sad to see your child growing up, getting older, learning, developing, etc.  A constant reminder that your baby isn't your baby anymore.  And that next week he'll be asking for the car keys.  He doesn't need you the same way anymore.  All of those things.

This part of my brain seems to be missing.  Or so I thought.

I am so excited to see Aidan getting bigger, developing from a ball of baby into a mobile, interactive creature who can think for himself.  I absolutely love every minute of it.  I haven't really admitted that very openly before, because it makes me feel guilty.

Aren't I supposed to be weepy about him moving to solid foods this month?  Shouldn't the purchase of a new car seat (and the impending retirement of his infant one) make me a basketcase?  He doesn't need us to put him to sleep before he goes in his crib anymore, he can do that himself.  He's sitting up, albeit clumsily.  Shouldn't this make me sad in a way? 

Thing is, none of those things make me the least bit sad.  And for six months now I've been feeling so guilty.  Surely I must not love him enough, if I'm not sad.  Right?

Then today, upon receiving a text from the girl formerly known as Waiting Lisa, it hit me.  Now I know why I don't get sad!  Before I get into that, though, let me give some back story.  I "met" Lisa here in the blogosphere, I believe it was last summer.  We had so much in common.  We both had been waiting for what seemed like forever for our adoptions to come through.  We'd had three disrupted ones in the meantime, she hadn't had any.  I envied her for that.  (Of course I know she didn't have it any 'easier' than we did, but the grass is always greener, no?)

I found Lisa to be a delightful lady and I always enjoy running across people with whom I have a lot in common.  Infertility, as we all know, is the epitome of feeling alone in a crowded room, and that feeling - for me anyway - still hangs on a lot of the time.  Connections and friendships with people like me are so valuable to me.

Imagine my shock, then, when I found the time in the hospital (after Aidan's birth) to peek in on Twitter.  I don't remember what she had said, but I was absolutely stunned.  And speechless.  And if you know me at all, you know that speechless is not a word that describes me very often.  To make a very long story short, something very odd had happened.

She had received THE CALL while we were at the hospital.  The call every adoptive-Mommy-to-be waits on pins and needles for.  She'd been notified that a baby boy had just been born... and that she was to be his Mommy.  HER SON was born!  How exciting! 

Oh, but it gets better.  The more tweets I read, the more speechless I was.  As it turns out, her son and our son were born the very same day.  We later did the math and compensated for time zones... if I remember right, they were born roughly two hours apart.  Two hours!  Two adoptive Mommies, with blogs, waiting a number of years for their little miracles just happen to cross paths and then their babies, both boys, are born the SAME DAY?!  So strange.  And awesome!  Furthermore, while we named ours Aidan, they had chosen to name theirs Jayden.  Wow!

So, in Lisa, I have found a baby-buddy.  I know I can always ask her what little Jayden (who, by the way, is just painfully CUTE) is up to, what he is and isn't doing, and if she's seen him do whatever odd thing Aidan may be doing.  And she does the same with me.  When one of us has our well-baby check before the other, we always get details from the other one so that we know what to expect!

It was during that conversation via text message this morning that it all hit me.  Since we had Aidan's six-month checkup yesterday, and Jayden's isn't for another couple of days, she was asking what we had learned at that appointment and how the shots went.  After we talked about the babies getting to eat real food, she said something about how they are growing up too fast, and at the end was a little frown.  I felt so bad.  Why don't I feel that way?  My mind wandered.

Somewhere in that string of thoughts, I remember thinking, "I'm just not sad that Aidan's getting older.  I can't wait until we can start doing things with him."

BAM!  Like a ton of bricks!

When you live in Alaska (or, I assume, other cold places), and you have a fall baby, which Aidan is, you are sort of STUCK.  Doing anything in the way of outdoor activities is just tough with a tiny baby.  About the most exciting thing we've been able to do with him is grocery shopping.  It's too cold out, even with a hat and gloves and snowsuit, to really get out and do anything fun outside.  They don't enjoy it anyway, and then you're buying new outerwear every month because they're growing so fast.

The reason I can't wait for Aidan to grow some more and be more mobile is because then we can do things!  We can go for walks without wrapping his entire body in a snowsuit and several blankets, and without having to push his stroller over nasty ice and snow berms.  We can go see animals at the university (which is about the closest thing we have to a zoo here).  We can take some short road trips to nearby scenic areas and take great pictures.  But all of these things require warmer weather than we've had since Aidan has been alive.

Plus, let's face it, Aidan was born a big boy and is still a big boy.  Lugging him around in his newborn car seat/carrier is just not a whole lot of fun, especially when it's cold.  Getting winded when it's -30 means your lungs start to freeze from the inside out before you ever get into the store or whatever.  Who wants to do that?!  Now that he's starting to sit up and can look around and actually enjoy what he sees, then it's going to be worthwhile to get out and do fun family things.

So maybe I haven't been wishing for him to grow up.  Maybe I haven't been rushing his progress, instead of enjoying every minute of it.  Maybe I've just been itching for spring so that there's actually something to enjoy?!  Yeah, I think that's it!  I feel much better.  And I'm grateful for Lisa yet again.

It's going to be 30 degrees this weekend and we are hoping to take Aidan to the ice park for the first time.  He'll love it!

So take a hike, guilt!  There's no room for you here!  I'm far too busy planning fun things to do with my BIG boy this summer!


Waiting Lisa said...

You are so sweet. I love this post and I love having you as a friend.

Honestly, I do get sad about him getting bigger and growing up, BUT...I also get super excited about every milestone. I was so excited to start giving him food. More excited than I thought I would be. Also, last weekend we took him to the National Museum of Play and HE PLAYED! It was awesome. I can't wait to start taking him to the zoo.

And I definitely feel the spring fever. I can't wait til the snow goes away so we can use the stroller outside. And just have him experience outside witout being wrapped up like the kid from the christmas story.

OH, and the pool! I can't wait til the summer so we can put him in the pool!! The other day I bought a swim diaper for him.

And I feel like 6 months is my favorite age yet. As much as I could probably get myself to tears thinking about how I will never have that tiny baby Jayden in my arms again, I love 6 month old Jayden. He's so much fun.

And I'm already planning his 1st bday party :)

Anonymous said...

Both of you are people who I look up to in awe/amazement for all you've been through, and I can't wait to join the adoptive mommies club with you.

I just had to get that out. :)

Anonymous said...

awww. That is so sweet! That is wonderful that you have an awesome baby-buddy. Crazy how your kids are born so close together! <3

PS my captcha is FACTFULL LOL

Anonymous said...

awww. That is so sweet! That is wonderful that you have an awesome baby-buddy. Crazy how your kids are born so close together! <3

PS my captcha is FACTFULL LOL

Kira said...

I always think that when I'm a parent, well, part of being a parent is seeing you kid grow up. You want the best for them, and if you baby was stuck at age 3 months or whatever for forever, that would be so very sad. I'm a pretty nostalgic person so I'm sure I would be sad to realize a phase is done, but excited to see the people the become. While it's not as cold as Alaska, Colorado can be the same way, winter is a hard time to do interesting things with babies. Hurray for spring and summer :)

Lisa said...

You and Lisa have obviously struck gold in finding each other in the blogosphere! Who ever said online, blogger friends can't be friends in real life?

Your hope and perserverance in the face of many disappointments is inspiring. I'm so glad you finally have your baby. Enjoy and happy mothering.

Lisa (ICLW #112)
P.S. There's still time to register for the free Fertility Focus Telesummit which starts today and runs all week. Go to http://yourgreatlife.typepad.com to register. I'm speaking on creating effective support networks, which applies equally to any family-building journey.

Geochick said...

Congrats on your baby boy! What an interesting post on the guilt/sadness thing. I'm more worried about feeling guilty because I'm not doing things "right" than anything. Meh, time will tell I guess.